Healthy Differentiation: 7th Strategy for Narcissistic Abuse & Scapegoat Recovery
Introduction In this post supplementing my YouTube video, I cover my top 20 tips for overcoming narcissistic abuse or the scapegoating role—the seventh tip: healthy differentiation.
What is Healthy Differentiation? Healthy differentiation—borrowing from Bowen Family Systems Theory—means no longer being emotionally fused with the family or stuck in reactive fight, flight, fawn, or freeze patterns. Instead, you come from your authentic self and remain calmer. As Jerry Wise teaches: "getting your family out of you." You can stay connected but maintain healthy autonomy.
Understanding System Anxiety When you're in system anxiety—reacting from your child self—you're responding to family emergencies, controlling parents, or their timeline. Maybe you've been reactive before to be a "good son or daughter."
Key shift: Recognize this isn't yours. Detach, stay anchored in what you know to be true, and honor your authentic self.
Practical Strategies
- Enter with intention: Know what you want to see happen, not what family demands
- Stay calm: Reduce fight/flight/fawn/freeze responses
- Limit contact if needed: When anxiety gets too high
- Two mindsets:
- Reactive: Family's agenda, system anxiety
- Differentiated: Your truth, authentic self Check Jerry Wise's work for specific interaction strategies.
Final Thoughts Practicing differentiation transforms family interactions. Have you noticed system anxiety in your family? Share in comments—your experience helps others break free. Thanks for reading.
