Narcissistic Shared Fantasy: Recognizing the First 3 Stages to Protect Yourself

Oct 23

Introduction

Hello, I'm Blake Anderson, a registered social worker and therapist in Toronto, Ontario, with over 13 years of social work experience and five years as a therapist. In this post supplementing my YouTube video, I examine how narcissists initially hook their targets through what Sam Vaknin calls the "six steps to the shared fantasy." We'll focus on the first three critical stages.

Stage 1: Love at First Sight – The Rapid Hook

Narcissistic relationships typically begin with "love at first sight," progressing very quickly. Like a con artist, the narcissist accelerates the pace to prevent their mask from slipping. Clients often report moving in together rapidly with intense early intimacy.

This speed creates a shared fantasy promising complete provision—you won't have to worry. Narcissists use "cold empathy" to study your vulnerabilities, interests, and reactions, targeting empathetic individuals who won't push back, often those with unresolved childhood wounds making them subconsciously comfortable with these dynamics.

Stage 2: Mirroring and Idolization

In stage two, narcissists mirror your interests while testing boundaries with subtle digs masked as jokes ("I'm just joking dear"). They create an idolized image of you based on gathered intel, erasing your insecurities and boosting your confidence to secure you as narcissistic supply.

This flattery feels validating, especially with low self-esteem from past trauma. However, you're co-creating the fantasy—you want genuine connection; they want supply.

Stage 3: Sealing the Deal

Stage three involves "sealing the deal" through marriage, cohabitation, or children. They romanticize a grand future (future faking), hooking you permanently. Once secured, devaluation typically begins.

Key Red Flags and Protection Strategies

Watch for:

Rudeness to service staff while treating you well
Excessive negativity about exes (you may become the next ex)
Intense chemistry that feels "too perfect"

Protect yourself:

Wait 6-12 months before commitment (The Five Personalities to Avoid)
Trust feelings over biology—rapid attraction often signals unresolved patterns
When someone shows you who they are, believe them

Final Thoughts

Recognizing these stages empowers you to avoid narcissistic entrapment. Have you spotted these patterns? Share in the comments to support others. Thank you for reading.