Understanding Narcissistic Mirroring: Insights into Shared Fantasy
Introduction to Narcissistic Mirroring
Hi everyone, this is Blake Anderson, and I'd like to talk about the notion of narcissistic mirroring. I'll explain it from an understanding that, according to Sam Vaknin, who termed shared fantasy. And that's the narcissist—they create an audition; they audition first their partner, so they find a source of supply. This process is central to how narcissists operate, seeking external validation to sustain their false self. For more on this, refer to Sam Vaknin's book, Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited.
And that's what he termed as auditioning. There's also the notion within this dynamic that they can often mirror their source. And so they create an illusionary bond and reenact unresolved conflicts within this dynamic. Sam Vaknin talks about how this goes back to the repetition compulsion. Have you noticed similar patterns in your own experiences with narcissistic relationships? Reflecting on these can be a powerful step in your recovery.
Exploring Repetition Compulsion and Narcissism
This is a Freudian concept, and that's to know that narcissism is an impulsive disorder. And that's why there's this notion of repetition compulsion. It's part of narcissism as they need to seek others and narcissistic supply in order to maintain their ego or any sense of self. For deeper insights into repetition compulsion, consider Sigmund Freud's essay, "Remembering, Repeating and Working-Through".
There's no genuine self, treating the victim as a maternal substitute, as a mirage-like dynamic. So that's to understand the shared fantasy that they recreate this earlier part of their life. And not necessarily to seek resolution, but that is simply an unconscious pattern of the narcissist. In narcissistic abuse recovery, recognizing this lack of resolution helps shift focus from the narcissist's patterns to your own healing.
The Illusionary Bond in Shared Fantasy
I won't go too much into that depth in terms of that understanding of some maternal compulsion instinct or the shared fantasy, but this is just to know that narcissists create this illusionary bond and, through the shared fantasy, they often mirror you in that dynamic. And that's why, in terms of recovery, I am ultimately—a lot of times I'm focusing with my clients on their own capacities. It's important to understand the narcissist and their behavior.
But it also comes to a point where, if you really delve into this, you understand that these individuals are not healthy; they don't have a fully formed self. And there's just then questions about what you are actually dealing with and who you're dealing with. And so once you look through the facade of the narcissist, you realize there's no substance other than the false self. What Sam Vaknin talks about is this code that's operating, and obviously there's degrees of narcissism, and you can understand also narcissistic types and cultural narcissism.
So this is to speak about a person who has NPD. How does this resonate with your encounters in narcissistic family dynamics? Engaging with these questions can deepen your self-understanding.
Coping Strategies for Narcissistic Behavior
Some advice in terms of how to cope with this is to recognize the red flags in terms of the mirroring you notice—by tracking this inconsistent behavior and keeping a track of it, you can understand what you're dealing with during devaluation. It's important to affirm your reality and to counter gaslighting, reducing internalized guilt by reminding yourself that the fantasy is their construction, and it's not your failing.
And that's key to really get out of the sight of the narcissist mind and into your own. And some of that is obviously staying rational and staying with the mental and the rational—and the emotions is to feel them, but then also not to get overly ruminating or carried away with the sense of guilt or shame. So that's a journey, but it's staying intellectual and rational and understanding what's occurring.
But then at the same time, it's feeling your emotions and how you're showing up in this dynamic. And that's when it comes to this shared fantasy—it's just to know that they chose you in some sense and auditioned you and got their hooks into you. We can talk about the notion of intermittent reinforcement and the various ways in which you've got enmeshed in this dynamic.
Balancing Emotions and Rationality in Recovery
But ultimately, in terms of the shared fantasy, it's realizing that you perhaps thought you were having a certain relationship and that you guys cared and loved about each other, or at least in your mind you did. But it's grieving that the narcissist really wasn't present, and really there wasn't really a form of relationship from them.
So anyway, that's just to understand the shared fantasy and ways to navigate that once you come to terms with that recognition. In your recovery from narcissistic abuse, how have you balanced rational insights with emotional processing? Sharing thoughts like this can support collective healing.
Embracing Calm Differentiation
I have this term called calm differentiation, and this is to borrow from Bowen Family Therapy. And this is just to understand that in dysfunctional families—or at least what Bowen would define it as—is a lack of differentiation. So these are homes where the parents and the children lack clear boundaries.
Breaking free through calm differentiation empowers you to maintain your sense of self amid narcissistic influences. For further reading on Bowen Family Therapy, explore resources from The Bowen Center.
Conclusion: Toward Self-Awareness and Healing
Recognizing and understanding these dynamics is the first step in coping with relationships involving a narcissist. It empowers you to move towards self-awareness, healing, and the eventual breaking of unhealthy cycles. Keep focused on your journey towards clarity and emotional well-being.
For those ready to advance their recovery from scapegoat roles in narcissistic families, consider my Scapegoat Recovery Course bundled with the Design Your Personal Manifesto Course. Learn more: https://blaketherapy.ca/the-scapegoat-narcissistic-abuse-recovery-course
Thank you for reading, and I hope this offers some insight into the complexities of narcissistic relationships. What aspects of shared fantasy or calm differentiation stand out to you? I'd appreciate your thoughts in the comments below.
