Exploring the Dual Mothership Model: Key Insights into Narcissistic Abuse
Introduction
Hello everyone, this is Blake Anderson, a registered social worker and therapist based in Toronto, Ontario. In this advanced exploration, I delve into the Dual Mothership Model, a concept originated by Sam Vaknin, a clinical psychologist specializing in narcissistic abuse. This model is essential for understanding and processing the narcissistic abuse cycle to facilitate moving forward. I primarily draw from Vaknin's work, while incorporating insights from Richard Grannon on grieving the relationship and achieving true individuation. By examining narcissistic abuse dynamics, shared fantasy, and co-idolization, we can better navigate the psychological impacts and promote healing from narcissistic relationships.
Understanding Narcissistic Abuse Through the Dual Mothership Model
The Dual Mothership Model centers on the notion that you create a dual idolization—a co-idolization—between you and the narcissist. You are the mother to the narcissist in terms of unconditional love that you provide. They get you as a target and recreate early childhood trauma, wanting to fuse with you as a child and a mother would. This is like a pre-individuation stage that they're basically creating in the dynamic, and they choose a target to be that idolized mother. And then also you are providing them as being a mother, and then they also are a mother to you. Through their eyes, they basically reflect an idolized image of you, and so you fall in love with that idolized image of yourself. But this is all done within the psyche of the narcissist, essentially performing a function for them in terms of reenacting this earlier stage of their development. Vaknin describes this as a pathological individuation, not a healthy form.
The Foundation: Shared Fantasy in Narcissistic Relationships
The foundation of the Dual Mothership Model is the notion of the shared fantasy, a concept originally from F. Sander (1989). This refers to a mutual constructed interpretive dynamic where partners align with internal worlds to form a shared, often illusionary reality. In any romantic relationship, there's a level of shared fantasy—even in friendships, we all idolize each other to some degree—but this is different in a narcissistic dynamic. As Vaknin explains, the narcissist adapts this as an autonomous compulsory process that serves as a defense mechanism, dominating interactions and reducing others to fantasy figures. For the narcissist, with their psychotic elements, they're basically creating an introjective use—a snapshot. They're only interacting with yourself as an object, but it's just for them, an internal object. So they're never actually dealing with you as a person, but rather they internalize you and interact with that snapshot. That's why you're never really in a relationship with a narcissist, but rather they're just reenacting early childhood issues in terms of their development that was never fully formed in terms of their ego.
Mechanisms of Co-Idolization in Narcissistic Abuse
The process of co-idolization begins with mutual idolization, where the narcissist idolizes the partner as a perfect figure, and the partner reciprocates, leading to co-idolization. This is not genuine love, but a projection of idolized self-images, making the dynamic profoundly addictive as each party loves their own reflective projection. The narcissist idolizes the partner as both a nurturing mother, providing unconditional love, and a dependent child to be controlled and merged with. Conversely, the partner assumes these roles, fostering a symbolic bond where intimacy mimics maternal-child fusion. The narcissist initiates this fantasy through love bombing, creating a hall of mirrors where both parties experience addictive self-love via idolized reflections. Grannon describes this as a cult-like brainwashing that colonizes the target's mind, fostering trauma bonds and simulating reality. The mechanisms involve the narcissist forming introjects—internal objects—by taking snapshots of their partner. The psychological impacts exploit early attachment needs, creating abandonment anxiety in the partner when the fantasy falters, as they fear losing the perfect relational matrix.
Recreating Early Childhood Dynamics in Narcissistic Relationships
At the relationship outset, the narcissist seeks to fuse and merge with the partner, recreating the original infantile symbiosis with their own mother. Vaknin explains that this is a narcissistic attempt to regress to a pre-individuate state, converting the partner into a maternal substitute to fill unmet childhood needs. This pathological individuation uses the partner as a mothership to push away in an attempt to grow up and differentiate. First, you fuse and form with the narcissist, and they recreate this shared fantasy, choosing a target as this perfect mother. Then, through that merging and lack of differentiation, the narcissist pushes the target or partner away to individuate. The narcissist will always devalue or reject the partner to achieve this pseudo or pathological individuation—it's recreating the first stages of a child forming their ego, where they have to no longer be fused with mother but push mother away. That's why there's a devaluation of you, as a recreation of this early childhood trauma. Grannon notes that the narcissist's inability to form adult intimacy arises from their primary female relationships being with their mother, perpetuating a dynamic where partners are instrumentalized for individuation rather than genuine connection.
The Breakdown of the Fantasy: Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Explained
The breakdown of the fantasy shifts from idolization to devaluation—a lot of us understand the notion of the narcissistic abuse cycle, and this is a more nuanced understanding of why exactly this cycle occurs. Once the fusion serves its purpose, the narcissist devalues the partner to facilitate separation, viewing them as a threat to their independence. Vaknin describes this as inevitable, as the shared fantasy cannot be sustained; reality intrusions will naturally occur. Life and feedback will naturally give rise to challenging this fantasy, leading to the partner's demotion from idolized object to a discarded one. This goes back to the notion that a child has to push their mother away in order to individuate. Essentially, Vaknin is saying that's what's occurring for the narcissist, as they're not a fully formed self and need the other to act as a mother in order for them to be a whole person. They never actually individuate because, according to Vaknin, there's no intervention that could be made in terms of a therapeutic approach—some others in academia might suggest ways, but at least according to Vaknin, it's likely that these people will continue this pattern.
Conclusion and Moving Forward from Narcissistic Abuse
By examining the Dual Mothership Model, we gain a deeper understanding of the psychological intricacies at play in narcissistic relationships, including the shared fantasy, co-idolization, and the inevitable narcissistic abuse cycle. Recognizing these patterns is crucial for protecting oneself, navigating the healing process, and achieving true individuation post-relationship. Grannon does a great job of explaining what it means for grieving the relationship and truly moving on as a separate individual. Always remember, seeking professional help and support can make a significant difference in overcoming the complexities of such experiences. Have you encountered elements of this model in your own relationships? Sharing insights can foster collective healing.
If you are seeking structured support to recover from narcissistic abuse and rebuild your sense of self, explore my Scapegoat Recovery Course bundled with the Design Your Personal Manifesto Course. Learn more at https://www.blakeandersontherapy.com/courses/scapegoat-recovery-bundle.
