Understanding Codependency in Narcissistic Abuse Dynamics: Insights from a Toronto Therapist
This blog post expands on that discussion to provide deeper insights for anyone navigating narcissistic abuse recovery, codependency in relationships, or family narcissistic dynamics.
The Narcissistic-Codependent Dynamic Explained
In narcissistic abuse situations, it's common to see two parents or partners where one is more overt and grandiose, while the other might be covert, insecure, or victim-oriented. This creates a codependency dynamic where it takes two to tango. From my early work as a social worker visiting homes, it became evident that there's often a narcissistic individual paired with a more codependent one.
If you're in this dynamic or know someone who is, understanding why it occurs can be transformative. We've all heard of Stockholm syndrome, but it doesn't always make sense to outsiders why someone stays in an abusive relationship. My clients, often kind and presenting as struggling, reach out but aren't ready to leave after 20 years or more in a marriage with a narcissist. They're seeking confirmation, yet they're not truly prepared to change.
Sam Vaknin speaks about the introverted narcissist, suggesting that codependents have narcissistic elements too. In the shared fantasy—a delusional virtual reality created by the narcissist—the codependent gets addicted. This ties into the dual mothership model, where the narcissist's undeveloped self relies on the codependent for individuation they never achieve, acting like the first and second mother they lacked, without acknowledgment.
In this exchange, the codependent provides narcissistic supply and an idealized image, while receiving intermittent reinforcement. Codependents, as internalizers, have more potential for change than externalizing narcissists, but they're trapped in this cycle.
Intermittent Reinforcement: The Addiction Cycle in Narcissistic Abuse
Drawing from Richard Grannon and Sam Vaknin, intermittent reinforcement involves breadcrumbing—sporadic compliments or inclusion in the shared fantasy that deliver a dopamine rush, nurturing the codependent's ego. This makes the highs overshadow the abuse, as the codependent latches onto moments of care and elevation.
Codependents often have a deflation of self, while narcissists exhibit inflation, borrowing from Carl Jung's understanding of the ego. Over time, the brain's synapses secrete fewer neurochemicals, yet the codependent fixates on that supply, like an addiction. They'll seek affirmations from therapists or others, addicted to the martyr syndrome and the need to be wanted. Leaving feels impossible because it means facing emptiness and loneliness—their unowned shadow.
Childhood Trauma and the Human Magnet Syndrome
Early in my career, I encountered Ross Rosenberg's notion of the Human Magnet Syndrome, rooted in childhood trauma. Narcissism exists on a spectrum; we all fluctuate between inflation (feeling better than others after a win) and deflation (after a setback). But in extremes, the deflated-self codependent and inflated-self narcissist come together in a narcissistic abuse dance.
The codependent constantly gives, while the narcissist takes. Initially, this works due to the addiction cycle starting subtly with the narcissist. When the codependent's emotional needs aren't met and they speak up, the narcissist maintains control, refusing to acknowledge issues. The codependent outsources their self-esteem to the narcissist, who provides intermittent reinforcement. Their shadow—the parts they don't face—is projected onto the narcissist.
Why Codependents Stay and the Path to Breaking Free
Codependents justify staying with practical reasons like kids or mortgages, but according to Sam Vaknin, these are superficial within the shared fantasy. Some admit liking the lifestyle or benefits. In 2025, with more resources—especially for women, though men face this too—staying in toxic cycles offers no real benefit for you or the children.
Humanity has evolutionary strategies involving narcissism, like in mating or careers, where bold risks are valued. But codependents have potential for depth, honoring their inner world instead of narcissistic pursuits. The key is facing the shadow and not outsourcing reality testing through gaslighting.
Recovery Strategies for Narcissistic Abuse and Codependency
Treat it like an addiction: Go no contact to break the shared fantasy. It might take 4-5 days to clear the physical addiction, 30 days or more for the psychological. Surround yourself with supportive people, perhaps a therapist, and replace negative cycles with healthy habits—gym, yoga, healthy eating, sleep, journaling, nature, friends. This lessens the highs and lows of intermittent reinforcement.
Healing involves recognizing regression from subtle abuse and reconnecting with yourself. Awareness is a good start; the challenge is avoiding relapse.
Have you experienced this dynamic? What helped you break free? Share in the comments to support others on their narcissistic abuse recovery journey.
Download the Reports for The Scapegoat & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Course + 45pg Healing Toolkit here: https://blaketherapy.ca/the-ultimate-toolkit
