Flying Monkeys: How Narcissists Use Enablers Against the Scapegoat

In dysfunctional family systems — particularly those run by a narcissistic parent — the scapegoat rarely faces the narcissist alone. The narcissist recruits others: siblings, in-laws, extended family, sometimes even friends. These recruits are known as flying monkeys, and understanding how they operate is essential to protecting yourself.

Defining the Key Roles

The scapegoat is the family member who absorbs the system’s unconscious anxiety and is blamed for the dysfunction. They are typically the truth-teller — sensitive, perceptive, and unwilling to accept the assigned role without question. Early in life, they may have been more self-sacrificing or people-pleasing, but the core pattern is the same: they see what others refuse to see.

The narcissist is the individual with grandiose self-importance and impaired empathy whose false self requires submission from those around them.

Flying monkeys are enablers who extend the narcissist’s control, defending the abuse and distorting reality for the target. The term comes from the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz, where winged monkeys served as minions of the Wicked Witch, capturing Dorothy on command. Psychologically, these extensions of the narcissist harass, manipulate, or gather intelligence on the target — sometimes knowingly, sometimes not.

Three Types of Flying Monkeys

Not all flying monkeys operate the same way. There are three distinct types.

Useful idiots are unaware enablers, manipulated due to their own insecurities. They act out of ignorance or misplaced loyalty, often believing they are helping. They have typically not faced their own trauma and default to enabling the narcissistic parent because it is easier than confronting the dysfunction.

Malicious ones are fully aware and complicit. They derive satisfaction from the abuse and often have narcissistic traits themselves. Their involvement is conniving and intentional — they are not naive; they enjoy the dynamic.

Fearful followers are weak individuals coerced by group pressure or fear of the narcissist’s wrath. They outsource their thinking to the narcissist because independent thought feels too risky within the system.

Across all three types, flying monkeys share common traits: deep insecurity, superficiality in one-on-one interactions, lack of integrity around boundaries, and a tendency to distort reality to align with the narcissist’s narrative. When dealing with them, recognize that engaging is like arguing with vapor. They are not thinking independently — they are outsourcing their reality testing to the narcissistic parent.

Triangulation at Every Level

Flying monkeys operate across multiple scales. At the micro level, within the family unit, the narcissistic parent uses siblings, in-laws, or family friends as proxies to target the scapegoat. At the meso level, in communities or workplaces, the dynamic expands to coworkers or extended networks spreading smear campaigns. At the macro level, you can observe the same pattern in societal or political dynamics — tribal alliances where groups outsource reality to a leader, overlapping with cult-like dynamics.

Within the family, dysfunctional triangles are central. In Bowen Family Systems Theory, triangles form when anxiety between two people is outsourced to a third party — typically the scapegoat. The family projects its unowned unconscious material onto the scapegoat: guilt, shame, and the aspects of the lineage no one wants to face. This projection creates the triangulation that flying monkeys reinforce.

In an undifferentiated ego mass — the fused family system — members lack independence from the collective. Roles are assigned and rigidly enforced. The narcissistic parent projects distorted reality onto the children, and flying monkeys serve as extensions of that distortion.

How to Address Flying Monkeys

Return to the Wizard of Oz. Dorothy gathered inner resources — courage, intellect, heart — and faced the wizard directly. Once the veil dropped, the “great and powerful” figure was revealed as small and weak. Interacting with the narcissist often produces the same realization: behind the grandiosity is a person operating from a very young part of themselves. Pity is understandable — but be careful not to give too much empathy, as they will twist it.

The scapegoat’s path forward involves several key steps. First, reject the scapegoat role — stop carrying what was never yours to carry. Second, recognize flying monkeys as vapor — do not engage in JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain), especially with proxies who are not thinking for themselves. Third, prioritize self-awareness over the collective illusion — see the narcissistic family system for what it is, just as Dorothy saw behind the curtain.

If you are not ready for no contact, use the gray rock method: do not engage in drama, stay neutral, remain calm, and rely on trusted friends and your therapist for support when interactions are unavoidable.

For recommended reading on flying monkeys, family systems, and narcissistic abuse recovery, visit my Reading List.

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