Understanding the Dual Mothership Model in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
Introduction to the Dual Mothership Model Hello everyone, I’m Blake Anderson, a registered social worker and therapist based in Toronto, Ontario. In this blog post, I delve into the Dual Mothership Model, a concept introduced by Sam Vaknin, a clinical psychologist specializing in narcissistic abuse. This model is pivotal for understanding and processing the narcissistic abuse cycle to move forward. By exploring this framework, we aim to dissect the pervasive cycles of narcissistic relationships, address the profound grief involved, and provide actionable strategies for recovery. I also incorporate insights from Richard Grannon on grieving and deprogramming to achieve true mental autonomy. Whether you're a survivor of narcissistic abuse or seeking to understand these dynamics, this post offers a nuanced perspective to support your healing journey.
The Concept of Dual Mothership The Dual Mothership Model revolves around the notion of co-idolization between you and the narcissist. You serve as a mother to the narcissist, providing unconditional love, as they recreate early childhood trauma, wanting to fuse with you as a child and mother would. This dynamic mimics a pre-individuation stage, where the narcissist chooses a target to be the idolized mother. Simultaneously, through their eyes, you see a reflection of an idolized image of yourself, and you fall in love with that image. However, this is all within the psyche of the narcissist, serving their need to reenact an earlier stage of development. Vaknin describes this as a pathological individuation, not a healthy form.
This dynamic triggers two primary forms of grief: the loss of the idolized self-image reflected by the narcissist, disabling self-love, and the loss of the narcissist as a maternal figure, evoking childhood abandonment. The narcissist’s false self is like a child, deeply needing, which can foster codependency in the target. Many of my clients express sentiments like, “My narcissist needs me,” or “They won’t survive without me.” This impulse to protect and provide for a child is precisely what the narcissist triggers in the person on the receiving end of this dynamic.
Navigating the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle The narcissistic abuse cycle often leaves survivors grappling with guilt and shame, particularly when the narcissist is a significant figure like a mother, father, romantic partner, or friend. These feelings stem from the perception of abandoning the narcissist as a child figure. This can occur across various relationships, not limited to gender roles, as the dynamic is about psychological roles rather than strictly maternal ones. For instance, the narcissist’s devaluation phase—where they shift from idolizing to discarding you—recreates the childhood need to push the mother away to individuate. This cycle explains why survivors feel stuck, as the narcissist may hoover, love-bomb, and repeat the cycle, perpetuating prolonged grief syndrome.
Have you ever felt trapped in this cycle of idealization and devaluation? Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free.
The Shared Fantasy: A Core Component The foundation of the Dual Mothership Model is the shared fantasy, a concept originally from F. Sander (1989). This refers to a mutual, constructed interpretive dynamic where partners align their internal worlds to form a shared, often illusionary reality. In healthy relationships, some level of shared fantasy exists, but in narcissistic dynamics, it becomes malignant. Vaknin explains that the narcissist uses this as an autonomous, compulsory defense mechanism, reducing others to fantasy figures. They create a snapshot—an internal object—and interact with that rather than the real you. This is why you’re never truly in a relationship with a narcissist; they’re reenacting unresolved childhood developmental issues, not engaging with your authentic self.
The Consequences of Unaddressed Narcissistic Traits Failing to deconstruct these layers risks perpetuating narcissistic traits in the survivor. As Grannon notes, a colonized mind continues to operate under the influence of the shared fantasy. The narcissist wants you to remain part of this illusion, which can lead to confusion and gaslighting. Survivors often find themselves outsourcing reality testing to the narcissist, struggling to discern what’s real. This is particularly true when separating from a narcissist, as you might enter another relationship or friendship still enmeshed in this dynamic. According to Grannon, this perpetuation can lead to prolonged grief syndrome, where survivors remain stuck in the emotional aftermath of the abuse.
Decolonizing the Mind for Recovery To reclaim mental autonomy, it’s crucial to recognize the shared fantasy as an illusion and actively dismantle internalized narcissistic narratives. Grannon advocates decolonizing the mind by questioning this matrix-style simulation and reclaiming mental autonomy through self-reflection and detachment. This aligns with concepts like differentiation from Bowen Family Therapy and individuation from Carl Jung. Differentiation involves maintaining authenticity while staying connected, while individuation is about anchoring in your authentic self, free from the narcissist’s influence.
Practical strategies include reality testing to challenge distorted perceptions, resisting urges to reengage with the narcissist, and living in defiance of their influence by pursuing personal growth and independence. Somatic practices can also help, as ensuring your nervous system is independent from the narcissist’s influence can take weeks to months. These practices ground you in reality, countering the gaslighting that, as Vaknin notes, isn’t always intentional but stems from the narcissist’s interaction with you as an object in their psyche.
Practical Strategies for Healing Establishing firm boundaries is essential to prevent fusion with the narcissist. This means setting consequences and following through, understanding that you cannot negotiate with a narcissist. Cultivating support networks of friends, family, or therapists provides external validation and emotional grounding, aiding the transition from colonized dependency to self-reliance. For example, going no-contact or limiting contact, even with a parent or co-parent, can be empowering when guided by an understanding of this model. Relying on supportive people who recognize your independence is key to living in defiance of the narcissist’s influence. What strategies have you found helpful in setting boundaries with narcissistic individuals? Sharing your experiences can inspire others on this journey.
Holistic Strategies for Overcoming the Dynamic Integrating Vaknin’s focus on understanding interjects and snapshots with Grannon’s emphasis on deprogramming offers a comprehensive approach to exiting this dynamic. This involves radical acceptance—acknowledging that the narcissist is recreating an early stage of development and is pathologically unable to achieve healthy individuation. Grannon likens this to The Matrix, where the narcissist’s system uses you as narcissistic supply, instrumentalizing you for their needs. Escaping this matrix requires becoming autonomous, relying on supportive relationships, and enforcing firm boundaries.
Long-term Recovery Principles Long-term recovery involves engaging in proper reality testing to differentiate fantasy from truth, resisting idolization temptations, and addressing underlying abandonment anxiety through therapeutic interventions. This process requires grieving both the idolized self-image weaponized by the narcissist and the narcissist as a maternal or child figure. Your own ego, to some degree, may have been drawn to this idolized image, but this doesn’t mean you have narcissistic personality disorder—it’s a universal human tendency exploited by the narcissist. Adopting a preventive mindset fosters defiance by viewing the relationship as a developmental reenactment rather than true intimacy, empowering survivors to avoid similar dynamics in future relationships.
Even after breaking up with a narcissist, you must process the Dual Mothership dynamic to avoid reenacting it in romantic relationships or friendships. This isn’t easy and takes time, often requiring multiple modalities and approaches to truly deprogram.
Preventive Mindset and Future Relationships To prevent falling into similar dynamics, foster a mindset that views the narcissistic relationship as a reenactment rather than genuine connection. This empowers you to prioritize authenticity and seek healthier relationships. Grannon emphasizes that survivors must process this dynamic to avoid attracting it again. My clients have shared how, without this processing, they inadvertently recreate these patterns. By grounding yourself in reality, setting firm boundaries, and engaging in self-care, you can build resilience and foster healthier connections moving forward.
What steps are you taking to cultivate healthier relationships post-narcissistic abuse? Let’s discuss in the comments to support one another’s growth.
Conclusion Understanding and processing the Dual Mothership Model is pivotal for breaking free from the narcissistic abuse cycle. It’s a complex journey, requiring time, different modalities, and a commitment to self-discovery. By grounding yourself in reality, setting firm boundaries, and pursuing personal growth, you can expedite healing and prevent future toxic dynamics. The reality of your experiences is valid, and moving forward is both possible and empowering.
For structured support in healing from narcissistic abuse and rebuilding your authentic self, explore my Scapegoat Recovery Course bundled with the Design Your Personal Manifesto Course. Learn more at https://www.blakeandersontherapy.com/courses/scapegoat-recovery-bundle. For structured support in healing from narcissistic abuse and rebuilding your authentic self, explore my Scapegoat Recovery Course bundled with the Design Your Personal Manifesto Course. Learn more at https://www.blakeandersontherapy.com/courses/scapegoat-recovery-bundle.
