When a Narcissistic Parent Dies: To Attend the Funeral or Not?

Nov 26

One of the most complex and emotionally charged decisions an adult child of a narcissist will ever face is what to do when that parent dies. Whether a funeral or celebration of life is approaching, or your parent has received a terminal diagnosis, you are suddenly confronted with a choice that feels impossible: Do you attend the funeral, or do you stay away?

As a therapist with over 14 years of experience, I’ve walked alongside many clients navigating this exact crossroads. The pressure from society, siblings, and extended family can be immense, but the decision ultimately belongs to you.

In this post, based on my recent video, I want to explore the inevitable reality of a narcissistic parent’s death, the concept of the "healing fantasy," and how to protect your mental health regardless of the choice you make.

The Reality of the "Celebration of Life"

If you are the scapegoat of the family, you may find out about the death in a painful way. Perhaps you were not even invited, or you heard the news through a "flying monkey" or family friend. This alienation is often the final power move—a way to delegitimize your place in the family even in death.

However, if you are invited, you are faced with a dilemma.

On one hand, you may feel a pull to be a "good son" or "good daughter." You might remember the moments when they provided for you or the rare good times. You likely want to honor the fact that they brought you into this world.

On the other hand, you cannot ignore the truth of your experience. If your parent was a covert or communal narcissist, the public perception of them is vastly different from your private reality. You know the cruelty, the control, and the abuse that happened behind closed doors.

Attending a funeral often means witnessing a parade of praise for a person who caused you immense harm. It means sitting among family members who may have bullied you, blamed you, or enabled the abuse. It is a "forced harmony"—a performance to maintain the family image at the expense of your truth.

The Death of the Healing Fantasy

Why is the decision so hard? Often, it is because of what Dr. Lindsay Gibson calls the Healing Fantasy.

This is the deep-seated hope that, maybe this time, things will be different. Maybe on their deathbed, they will finally apologize. Maybe the family will finally see you.

Grieving a narcissistic parent often requires grieving this fantasy first. It requires radical acceptance: accepting that they are not going to change. Unless there is a miraculous shift in consciousness, the person they were in life is the person they will be in death.

If you have gone "no contact" for your own survival, breaking that silence for a funeral can feel like a betrayal of yourself. It risks pulling you back into the "betrayal bond" and exposing you to further gaslighting and manipulation.

Navigating the Decision

So, should you go?

If you choose NOT to attend:

Validate your reality. You are not a bad person for protecting your peace. You are prioritizing your mental and emotional health after years of putting their needs first.
Handle inquiries simply. If people ask why you aren't there, you don't owe them an explanation of the abuse. A simple, "I’ve made a personal decision. Thank you for your condolences," is enough.
Honor them in your own way. You can say goodbye privately. You might write a letter, light a candle, or simply acknowledge their passing without subjecting yourself to a toxic environment.

If you DO choose to attend:

Go on your own terms. Do not go out of guilt or coercion. Go because you need to for your own closure.
Use the "Gray Rock" method. Keep interactions brief, boring, and unemotional. Do not engage in drama.
Visualize a protective aura. Imagine a shield around you that deflects the negative energy of the family system.
Have an exit plan. You do not have to stay for the reception or the wake. You can pay your respects and leave immediately.

Disenfranchised Grief

It is important to recognize that your grief may look different. This is known as Disenfranchised Grief—grief that is not acknowledged by society.

You might feel relief. You might feel anger. You might feel nothing at all. All of these are valid. When a tormentor passes, it is both a gift and a curse. You are free from the active abuse, but you are left with the finality of a relationship that never was what you needed it to be.

Final Thoughts

There is no "right" answer, only the answer that is right for you. Whether you go or stay, the goal is to remain true to yourself and your healing journey.

If you are struggling with this decision, or the complex emotions that follow, it can be incredibly helpful to work with a therapist who understands narcissistic family dynamics—someone who won't push for reconciliation where it isn't safe.