The Scapegoat Role: Unraveling Narcissistic Family Dynamics and Finding Your Truth
If you were assigned the role of the scapegoat in your family—particularly if you have chosen to go no-contact—I want to talk about mindset. Specifically, I want to reflect on the reality that the scapegoat is often the strongest person in the family unit.
These roles are manufactured. They are artificial creations placed on children from a young age, typically by a narcissistic parent whose own psyche is not fully formed. Through a process known as splitting, the parent projects their internal chaos outward. While every child has their own disposition, the child chosen as the scapegoat is often the "truth teller"—the one with a resilience that the other siblings may not possess.
The Dynamics of the False Self
In a narcissistic family, the dynamic is based largely on the parent’s false self. The "golden child" or compliant siblings often become mere extensions of that false self. The scapegoat, however, honors themselves as an individual.
In many ways, the scapegoat shines a mirror back to the "undifferentiated collective ego mass" of the family. You may have been the container for the family’s shadow, blamed and shamed for the dysfunction that did not belong to you. Because you had to walk on eggshells and predict how your parents would react, you likely developed a deep sensitivity and reflectiveness. You were aware of the shadow from a young age, even if you couldn't name it.
Repetition Compulsion and The Empath
As adults, this history often manifests in our relationships. If you grew up as the sensitive, empathic scapegoat, you might find yourself in a dynamic of repetition compulsion, a concept from Sigmund Freud. Subconsciously, we seek the love we never received as children.
The empath sees the potential in people. However, this can lead to naivety. While the narcissist is focused on extracting supply and "zapping" energy, the empath is trying to heal a wound. We attract these dynamics because, subconsciously, it is what we are used to. As Dr. Phil famously says, "We teach people how to treat us."
Until we address this compulsion, we remain in a state of pseudo-mutuality, where we give, and others take.
The Path to Healing: Map, Safe, Defiance
Recovering from the scapegoat role requires understanding that you have likely been gaslit—and have likely gaslit yourself. Healing involves what therapist Jay Reed describes as three stages:
- Understand the Map: See the narcissistic family for what it is.
- Get Safe: This often requires limiting contact or going no-contact to stop the exposure to the abuse cycle.
- Live in Defiance: This doesn't mean being aggressive; it means asserting your right to exist and differentiate.
This process allows you to stop living in the "shared fantasy" of the family and start honoring your own interior world.
Processing Trauma: Internal Family Systems & Shadow Work
Intellectually, we can understand our past, but true healing requires an emotional discussion with the inner child.
Using the framework of Internal Family Systems (IFS), we can identify parts of ourselves that may have been "exiled" or ignored—the abandoned child or the orphan archetype. You might have a "manager" part of you that functions as a competent adult, but a child part that is still operating on procedural logic from childhood (e.g., "Mom and Dad are fighting, therefore I am unsafe and must hide").
We must reintegrate these parts. As Carl Jung suggested, we must look into the depths of our psyche. What we often take as destiny is actually our psyche projecting. By using tools like journaling, active imagination, or analyzing our dreams, we connect with the collective unconscious and the deeper "noosphere" of the mind, rather than the superficial, transactional world the narcissist inhabits.
A Rule of Thumb for Memories
If you are struggling to process your past, consider this insight from clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson: If you have a memory that is more than two years old and it still evokes a strong emotional response, it has not been fully processed.
Your mind is like a loop, trying to resolve the trauma. I recommend picking your top five or ten "stuck" memories. Journal about them. Re-own them. Then, process them with a professional.
You likely always had an intuition that something was "off"—like living in The Truman Show or an uncanny valley. You were the one holding the complexity while the family pretended everything was perfect. Healing is the act of validating that intuition, laughing at the absurdity of the projection, and finally becoming the loving parent to yourself that you never had.
Ready to start your recovery journey?
Download the Reports for The Scapegoat & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Course + 45pg Healing Toolkit here: https://blaketherapy.ca/the-ultimate-toolkit
