Sibling Betrayal in Narcissistic Families: The Scapegoat's Reality
As a registered social worker and therapist here in Toronto, Ontario, with over 14 years of collective experience, I have sat with many clients who share a specific, heartbreaking realization. It is likely the case that if you are the identified Scapegoat, you operated under the impression for a long time that you had a sibling who was loyal to you—someone you could trust, a brother or sister who had your best interests at heart.
However, as you transitioned into adulthood, you likely discovered that this sibling was very much not on your side. In fact, they were likely rooting against you, smearing your name, and actively participating in the family’s orchestration against you.
In this post, I want to explore the complex dynamics of "civil rivalry" within a narcissistic family, why these betrayals occur, and how to navigate the grief of this loss.
The Architecture of Division: Splitting and Roles
To understand why siblings turn on one another, we have to look at the parents. In a narcissistic family system, the parent often engages in "splitting." Because of their own infantile defenses, they see people—including their own children—as all good or all bad.
This results in assigned roles:
- The Golden Child: The child who is favored, entitled, and aligned with the parent.
- The Scapegoat: The truth-teller who is blamed for the family’s dysfunction.
- The Lost Child: The sibling who attempts to fly under the radar to avoid abuse.
While some clients tell me their role was concrete and definitive, these roles can fluctuate. If you are providing "narcissistic supply" to the parent, you might be favored momentarily. But if you stand up to them—if you become the truth-teller—you become the target.
Age also plays a factor. If you are close in age to your sibling, you may have shared similar experiences and formed an emotional bond. However, if there is a gap of 7 to 10 years, that bond is often weaker, making it easier for the narcissistic parent to drive a wedge between you.
Pseudo-Mutuality: The One-Sided Connection
We intuitively crave connection with our siblings. In these families, however, you often encounter pseudo-mutuality. You are likely the one "over-functioning"—extending your hand, driving the relationship, and trying to connect. But eventually, you realize the intimacy is an illusion.
Often, the Golden Child betrays you later in life to maintain their status. They possess a level of entitlement and have likely internalized the parent's belief system to justify their mistreatment of you.
You may have spent your life playing small, subconsciously allowing them to win at sports or games to fit into the family hierarchy. But when you stop playing your role, their behavior often turns egregious. They actively get between you and your parent, triangulate situations, and alienate you from extended family, nieces, and nephews.
The family operates as an orchestration against you; they are essentially "singing from the same hymn book," convincing others of your "badness" simply because you refused to be bullied.
The Body Keeps the Score
This betrayal is not just psychological; it is somatic. As noted in the seminal work The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, your nervous system stores the history of this trauma.
For years, you likely suppressed the reality that your family did not protect you because, as a child, you needed to blame yourself to survive. As an adult, this suppression often manifests as:
- Nervous System Dysregulation: Issues with the vagus nerve and constant threat detection.
- Somatic Symptoms: Gut issues, heart palpitations, migraines, or chronic anxiety.
Your body is reacting to the cognitive dissonance—trying to tell you that these people are not safe, even while your mind tries to rationalize the pain.
The "Healing Fantasy" and the Power Vacuum
Many scapegoats hold onto a healing fantasy—the belief that once the narcissistic parent dies, the siblings will finally drop their roles, come together, and establish a mutual, loving relationship.
Unfortunately, the dynamic typically gets worse when the parent passes.
A power vacuum occurs. The narcissistic parent leaves the world, and often a sibling steps up as a "secondary narcissist" to assert control and dominance. Because your name has already been smeared to the extended family, the sibling feels empowered to continue the exclusion and abuse.
Moving Forward: Radical Acceptance and Grief
What do you do when you realize there is no loyalty and no mutual reciprocity?
- Grieve the Relationship: You must grieve the sibling you thought you had. It is essential to process the righteous rage and deep-seated anger regarding their betrayal.
- Radical Acceptance: You must come to accept that they likely do not have the capacity to be mutually caring. They are character-disturbed individuals more concerned with status and dominance than connection.
- Process Your Shadow: Part of this work is grounding yourself in your shadow—asserting yourself and no longer playing small. You can still be an empathetic person, but you must do so with your eyes wide open.
- Write a Letter (Unsent): You might consider writing a letter to your sibling communicating everything you want them to know, as a way to process the fact that you are different from them and did not deserve their treatment.
Ultimately, you may need to limit contact or go No Contact. You cannot influence a toxic family system without spiraling down with them. Healing requires refusing to let these individuals drain your mental and emotional health any longer.
Are you ready to stop the cycle and reclaim your peace?
I have created a comprehensive resource to help you navigate these complex dynamics. Download the Reports for The Scapegoat & Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Healing Toolkit here.
